Imperfection

At the beginning of this semester, my first in college, I came home in a very somber mood. I silently went to the kitchen, got my dinner, and ate. During this whole time I do not think that I lifted my head more than once. After I finished my dad asked me what was wrong. Silently I walked over to my book bag and pulled out the Spanish quiz I had taken a week earlier. As I handed it over to him, tears started to well up in my eyes. By this time he wasn’t quite sure what was wrong. He looked over the quiz and didn’t see anything wrong, so he proceeded to ask what I was upset about. “I got a D!” I told him, now fully crying. “What’s wrong with a D?” he asked and I replied “It’s my first D ever! I don’t know what I did wrong!” After this exclamation he began to laugh. Yes, he started to laugh as I stood in the kitchen blubbering. He told me that it wasn’t the end of the world, and since he is fluent in Spanish showed me the simple mistakes I was making. Yes, this is a true story and yes, I did cry over a grade.
For the majority of my life I have strived for perfection. Good grades, community service, and a good public appearance are constantly at the front of my mind. However, most of the time I make mistakes and my works become tarnished. If I feel like I am not good enough or haven’t tried hard enough then I become frustrated with myself and either completely give up or try again with more fervor. But no matter what I do my attempts at perfection are constantly struck down and my pride is checked. I know I am not alone in this quest for perfection. When we consider the amount of self-help books, amount of cosmetic surgery, and amount of money spent on frivolous items that one does not need it is apparent that our culture is obsessed with perfection. We strive to be more than we can ever be and when we realize that we are not perfect creatures it is devastating.

When I was younger I rejected the image of Barbie. I never really liked her, although I did play with Barbie dolls on occasion. However, most of the time my dolls or my sister’s dolls would end up decapitated. I do know many girls who loved to play with their Barbie dolls, and I just never understood why. Maybe it was the blonde hair that fell perfectly around her face. Maybe it was the fact that she held just about every occupation out there. Maybe it was her wardrobe that was always fresh and fashionable. Little girls idolize these types of concepts. We are planners and want to plan out our lives. When I was younger I remembered my plans for my life. I was going to grow up and have blonde hair, own a restaurant, be a ballerina, and a mother of four (out of those four children two would be adopted). Fast forward ten years and those plans have drastically changed. My little view of the perfect life no longer fits those criteria. To be quite honest, I don’t know what the perfect life even looks like anymore. My idealism is gone for the most part and has been placed with a very pragmatic attitude. Goals are what drive my life, and my view of perfection is achieving these goals. Most of them are good goals to have, but they are generally taken to the extreme. Works drive my life and half the time my heart is not in my actions. I am simply on auto-pilot striving to check things off of my list to accomplish. When I stumble and can’t fulfill these goals I become frustrated, angry, or disappointed in myself. Forgiveness is not something that I easily give to myself. I know a fair amount of people who struggle with this exact issue. If our “to-do lists” are not completed then forms of self-punishment are inflicted. This comes in many forms and breaks my heart. Our culture no longer is about keeping up with the Joneses, but being better than them. If we can’t do this then either we are the problem and that needs to be corrected or we need to consume more products to create the façade that we are better than those around us.

However, what is our attraction to perfection based on? There is a desire, at some level, in every person to be the best in some area, but why? To be honest, I have no clue. This constantly confuses me. I personally hate it when I think that people are better than I am, so why would I want to be better than others? Would I want them to dislike the fact that I can do something better than they can? It makes no sense to me. Every time I think about my search for perfection I think of movies created for teenage girls. I must confess that on rare occasions I find these types of movies amusing (although I will forever be enchanted by war movies. Don’t worry anyone.) In most of these movies there is one girl who just isn’t good enough. She doesn’t have the right clothes, acts like a dork, and isn’t as pretty as the other girls, but at least she has personality! The antagonist generally is a tall, thin, leggy, and beautiful girl who seems to have everything. However, she is a mean girl. Everyone adores her and wants to be her, but she is a generally described as evil personified. Her life seems perfect, but no one truly likes her. I feel that what we feel about perfection in our every day lives. It is something so tempting, something we know we can never have, but at the same time it’s repulsive. The idea of imperfection is something that humans cling to. We strive to seek imperfection in others in order to connect with them. Honestly, when do you find that you become close to those whom you are in community with? Is it when your lives are great and you seem to be on a high? Or is it those bonds created when one failed and needs a shoulder to cry on? Do appreciate your time with your friends more when you all just got As on your tests or when you both just tripped up the stairs and ended up laughing at yourselves and each other? I believe that imperfection creates a stronger bond than the quest of perfection ever could. Yes, it is beneficial to better yourself and strive to get the most out of life, but recognizing that imperfection can be beautiful is something that ought to be learned. When something has been chipped and broken, it becomes interesting and provides a story. Imperfection creates character and resilience. It illuminates the strengths that you possess if you allow it to. This is a concept that I struggle with, but it is one that I am learning is important. If we can learn to accept imperfection we can also learn to accept grace which is one of the most exquisite gifts that one can receive. Learning that we can not go it alone, and that we need the strength and forgiveness of others we cross paths with is excruciatingly important. Allowing yourself to be fully known, imperfection included, is one of the most beautiful gifts that you can give to the world. The more we pretend and try to perfect our lives the more miserable we become and it affects those around us. So today I guess I would just encourage you to find those areas of imperfection in your lives and embrace them. You can work on them and improve yourself, but learn to accept grace when you fail. Do not allow your mistakes to bog down your life and constantly be striving to shape your life in a positive manner. Apply yourself, make sure you have worthy goals, and put your heart into fulfilling your goals. Do not get stuck on auto-pilot and strive towards an unhealthy perception of life. Finally, allow yourself to learn and appreciate your flaws. Allow the light to shine through those holes in your life and illuminate the beauty from within.