Lessons That I Am Learning

This past year was one of immense growth for me. I still am learning things daily, and God is revealing portions of His heart to me. It hurts, but it’s needed. On my facebook I posted a general outline of what happened in my year, but I wanted to delve a little deeper, and I figured that this would be the place to do it. Only people who are truly interested in me would come to my blog, so that is why I’m putting this here. This past year I had quite a few new experiences and am still working on the lessons that come out of those experiences. I still don’t understand everything, but I am desperately trying to learn what God is teaching me. I also struggle with applying concepts to my life, so that’s another thing that I am working on. So here is what I am working on currently.

Self-esteem. On more than one occasion my self-esteem fell to the ground and shattered into a million pieces. I don’t think a day goes by when I don’t quote Ephesians 2:10 to myself. I’m trying to place my self worth in the fact that God loves me and cares for me. I am valuable, and I am His creation. That is my value. I am a beloved daughter of the king, and there is nothing that I can do that will take that away. It’s hard because I am such an independent perfectionist. I want everything to be perfect and beautiful, and I can do it by myself. Well, that’s what I like to tell myself, and that’s what I am trying to break. It’s not through my strength, but His.

Vulnerability. Wow, talk about something that I just don’t do. I have layers upon layers of walls around my heart, and I rarely let anyone break past those barriers. This is especially hard when it comes to females. I’ve been so burned by females that I just don’t want to let them see me. However, I am learning the beauty in being real with people. I don’t have to pretend I’m perfect or strong… because I’m not, and that’s okay. That’s what God and my community is for. They are there to help and guide me. This is something that I struggle with probably more than anything else, but I am seeing how God is working on that in my life.

The importance of crying. Yes, I did just say that. Crying is good and necessary. For anyone who knows me well, they know that I have this issue with displaying any emotion that would be perceived as weakness. Crying falls under this category. I think that this past year is the only time I can say I had a truly broken heart (And yes, it came from a guy) and I remember talking to my friend Sarah about the situation. I remember that she just looked at me and told me to cry. I was like, uh, no? I don’t do crying. And she told me to cry… and eventually I broke down. God is definitely working on softening my heart in this area. I still don’t like to cry with anyone around, but it’s healthy. God made me with emotions, and it’s okay to display those emotions at the proper times.

Having fun. Okay, so I take myself way too seriously. I grew up way before I should have, and didn’t listen to my dad when he told me to enjoy being a kid. I think part of the reason why I always had an aversion to having fun was because of my responsibilities. I have been a leader in so many areas that I didn’t know how to balance that with relaxing. Ever since I started college God has been showing me to just enjoy life. I’m the little one, and don’t have nearly the amount of responsibilities that I did before. It’s okay to love the little things and appreciate every little blessing that comes my way.

Healthy relationships. I don’t know how many unhealthy relationships I had to deal with this past year. I have this issue with caring about other people too much and not drawing lines. My heart was taken advantage of by many people, and I let it happen because “I was a leader and that’s what leaders do.” What I didn’t realize is that I was exerting all my strength into trying to fix everyone else’s lives while not caring for my own. I don’t mean to sound selfish here, but God created us to be in healthy community. That type of community depends on people giving and taking, not just taking. However, God is also showing me that when it is imperative for me to give more than receive He is always there to be my constant source of strength and life. He keeps me going.

Praying for wisdom. This is one thing that I know is a no brainer, but it is something that I am recognizing the importance of each and every day. This year a lot of people came to me with a lot of heavy issues, and I didn’t have any advice to offer. During these times I prayed to God for wisdom, but I am trying to apply this principle to all of my actions. A lot of the time God tells me that what I have planned and what He has planned are not the same things, and I am trying to trust Him in that.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at. I know there is more stuff that I have started the learning process for, but I can’t think of it right now. It’s been a tough year emotionally but I think that in a lot of aspects God is teaching me how to be healthier spiritually and emotionally. Even though it’s painful, it’s good. Thanks for allowing me to share with ya’ll. If you have any advice/wisdom I would really appreciate it. Love you guys!